Okay, you caught me. My cover's blown. A year ago, Pat Bowlen hired me to be head coach of the Denver Broncos under the psuedonym "Josh McDaniels" which is obviously ficticious, with the sole intention of ruining the franchise so he could more easily move it to Los Angeles. I tried my best by trading my 26 year old rocket-armed QB for noted "game manager" Kyle Orton, filling my secondary with aging veterans, and drafting a RB 12th overall when it's well known you can find RBs in virtually any round. Damnit, I tried, but this team somehow pulled off a 6-0 start that made it look like we were heading to the playoffs, before we turned into the team we truly were and finished 8-8. 6-0 to 8-8 is bad, but it's not bad enough to absolutely cripple a franchise. This offseason I had to get rid of more talent, so today I traded Brandon Marshall, one of the best receivers in the NFL, to the Dolphins and didn't even get a first round pick in return.
See, here's the beauty of my plan; we have two 2nd round picks that are just late enough that we probably won't get Demaryius Thomas, Golden Tate or Arrelious Benn. And since I've now made it completely known that I'm running a tight ship (fans are such suckers for that), our fanbase won't even expect me to take the best receiver, and one of the best talents in the draft, Dez Bryant. So I'll end up taking Damian Williams out of USC or Eric Decker out of Minnesota, nice players but probably not game-changers at the next level. Do people realize my two leading receivers are Eddie Royal and Jabar Gaffney, who combined might be as tall as Brandon Marshall?
I gotta say, I've really outdone myself with this trade. In the span of two offseasons, I've completely broken up a great passing game, rather than building upon it by actually, you know, improving out shitty defense. All I had to do was make Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall look like bad guys, which was too easy. Cutler just naturally rubs people the wrong way, and Marshall is a black receiver so it's easy for people to assume he's unmanageable. People might say, "the NFL is a passing league," what with there being ten 4,000 yard passers this past season, but not in Denver it isn't fella!
My next move is to get rid of Tony Scheffler, who's a little too talented. Soft hands, speed to stretch the field...we don't need that circus shit. And then in the draft with our first round pick (did I mention we should have two 1st round picks, but I traded one of them a year ago for a 2nd round pick I used on a shrimp corner named Alphonso Smith, who you've never heard of before? I am a fucking maniacal genius at ruining franchises, let me tell you), I'm thinking of using it on a safety. Safeties generally have little impact on the game, so it's perfect in keeping our roster talent-hungry. Or maybe I'll use it on an interior offensive lineman. I don't know, but I'll tell you right now I'm not drafting Dez Bryant. "He's a locker room cancer." heh heh heh
I think we're perfectly set-up for a 4-12 season, which should continue to erode the fan's confidence in the franchise. Goodell wants a team in L.A. soon, so we've gotta hurry on this. Honestly, my only mistake was not trading Marshall a year ago. But hey...you can't let the fans know you're trying to sabotage their favorite team that easily.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment